2007-02-07T05:55:00.000-08:00

PART ONE

LOCATION: Somewhere deep inside the earth surface, at an ice-conditioned chamber, where a secret round table meeting of top Plutonian moles is underway...

PLUTONIAN MOLE-1(fuming): I don’t believe it, how could they possibly do this... They have suddenly ousted us from the prestigious P9 Council when we have been its Permanent Member for decades. Its time we teach them a lesson --- THESE… THESE PLOTTING ANTI-PLUTONISTS, THESE EARTHLY CREATURES @&##%%!!

PLUTONIAN MOLE-2: Calm down pal.

PM-1(Now dejected): …And we, a group of elite undercover agents, specially tasked to infiltrate into their territory; to foil their evil designs; and to keep the Ice House back home updated about every development, could do NOTHING to stop all this from happening. What a waste of Plutogon resources, I feel so bad for myself…

PM-2: Calm down, please calm down pal. Don’t get too carried away. We did try our best. You know we had in fact almost managed to sway things in our favour by convincing most of the 2,500 astronomers not to vote. But these 300-odd hardcore anti-Plutonists nonetheless still cast their vote against us.

PM-1: Wait till any of them henceforth come for their summer vacations to Pluto, and we will ensure that they are harassed to the hilt by our immigration officials the moment they land. We should immediately prepare a list of these people and gather as much intelligence against them as possible.

PM-2: Yeah, but they have already done the damage. And moreover, you know they were only acting at the behest of our enemies --- the various anti-Plutonian lobbies around the universe who had joined in to throw us out.
And also, the odds were against us from the very beginning. They had formulated a set off new rules for retaining the Planetary Council’s membership in which we couldn't fit in. I suppose the inherent Plutonian nature of maintaining a respectable distance from fellow heavenly bodies, howsoever attractive, went against us.

PM-1: I agree. We weren’t seen as going around with any of them. But instead as too-independent and insignificant distant relative who liked to go his own way.

PM-3: Yes, Yes. And such perceptions turn fatal when one lives in times when the universe seems to endorse the dictum: ‘You are either with us or against us!’

PM-4: Far from positioning ourselves in the ‘inner circle’ of Earth’s friends like the Federal State of Mercury and United Venus Republic, we have on several occasions waded too far away for their comfort.

PM-1: Yes. But that was in search of our basic need: WARMTH! It was all in a bid to sustain our ongoing ‘Global War Against Trembling Cold’, in which most of our Solar Allies refused to join in. While we were looking up to them for all kinds of support --- moral, immoral, diplomatic, undiplomatic, parliamentary, unparliamentary --- they all cold-shouldered us.

PM-2: That’s true. And that too despite various bilateral, trilateral, quadrilateral, multilateral agreements with various Solar Allies to make available to us adequate supply of warmth.

PM-3: Had they been more co-operative, we wouldn’t have failed in our mission to invade warmth’s main supplier, that rich pompous Sun. Remember, instead of helping us, they had all termed our invasion unjustified when the fact is that the invasion was necessitated by Sun’s refusal to supply us cheap warmth despite our making hell of a rounds around that defiant fire ball. And now this humiliation.

PM-1: Enough is enough. It’s high time we take a more aggressive position in this changed geo-solar scenario. Why not once again invade and capture the god damn Sun and we can turn sole suppliers of warmth to everyone. That way we will be able to bully every member of the universe and particularly the P9 Council.

PM-2: And they will be forced to accept us back as its member.

PM-6: Good Idea… So what if all that made us universally unpopular.

PM-2: Even now we hardly enjoy much popularity.

PM-1: Which reflects in our ouster, this humiliation of being scorned as a dwarf.

PM-2: Yes, a ‘dwarf planet’ is what they are calling us now.

PM-1: Ha! Wait till we turn you all into pleading midgets before us seeking subsidized rates for supply of barrels of warmth. (Everyone laughs)

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END OF PART ONE

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PART TWO

LOCATION: Pluto, where two customers --- one a little tipsy and the other completely drunk --- are sitting in a popular bar called ‘BAR AGAINST TREMBLING COLD’. They are being served drinks by the bar owner…

.

CUSTOMER-1(To the bar owner): Could I please ask you something.

BAR OWNER(furiously): I do not give credit. And I am happily married.

CUSTOMER-1: No, no. It’s not that. I’m just curious to know why you have such a unusual name for your bar.

CUSTOMER-2(completely drunk, trying to regain consciousness): Oh what a question (hic). A million dollar question. You seem to be a very intelligent person. Are you a dentist by profession?

CUSTOMER-1: No, why? What makes you think so?

CUSTOMER-2: (Hic) You like going into the root of everything.

BAR OWNER(sternly): And you seem to have had enough for tonight. Should I call a cab.

CUSTOMER-2: Don’t worry, I will manage (hic). I am used to being like this. I like being high at all times…

CUSTOMER-1(jokingly): You must be a pilot then.

(Customer-1 and Bar Owner laugh, while Customer-2 again passes out on his chair)

CUSTOMER-1: Yes Sir, why this unusual name, if I may ask?

BAR-OWNER: See I am a law-abiding, god-fearing person… err… a married person with an immense sense of social responsibility.

CUSTOMER-1: That’s great. But why this name?

BAR-OWNER: I’m coming to that. Being a socially-responsible Plutonian, it is my duty to contribute my bit towards the ongoing Global War Against Trembling Cold.

CUSTOMER-1: So you had joined the army earlier?

BAR-OWNER: No, no. I don’t like violence. But I had to lend my support for this Plutonian cause, you know.

CUSTOMER-1: Go on.

BAR-OWNER: So first I decided to ply a grand cab with a slogan painted in bold letter saying: ‘Car against Trembling Cold.’ But each time I failed to get through the driving test. And that was the end of that brilliant mission.

CUSTOMER-1: Sorry to hear that.

BAR-OWNER: It’s okay. But the social streak in me is very strong you know so I did not give up. Then this equally brilliant idea struck me: Why not have a Bar Against Trembling Cold.

CUSTOMER-1: (Aside) My God, this guy is crazy.
(Then to the bar-owner): Alright Sir, all the best. I would like to seek your leave now. See you soon.

BAR-OWNER(By now too excited to narrate his story): PLEASE WAIT WAIT, I am not yet through. Let me show you the injury I sustained during my high school days when I fell off my bicycle. I have now called it ‘Scar Against Trembling Cold.’

CUSTOMER-1: Great, Pluto needs more people like you, bye. I just remembered I have some urgent work to complete, I will have to hurry…

BAR-OWNER: Do drop in again and I will tell you some interesting tales about each of the ‘Jars Against Trembling Cold’ lying in my kitchen shelf. And many more…

CUSTOMER-1: Bye

(As a hassled Customer-1 exits hurriedly, the Bar-owner tries to wake up Customer-2 to narrate more of his socially-relevant endevours)
BAR-OWNER: Hey, get up pal.

CUSTOMER-2(Putting up his head): Yep(hic)

BAR-OWNER: If you promise to listen to me, I will offer you a complementary drink --- a special cocktail I have created called ‘Gin Laden.’ (Aside) But I am not sure whether I'll be able to trace its recipe.

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END OF PART TWO

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THE PLUTO PLOT PROBE